Fairy Tales I would like to read!!!!!!!!!!

We all have grown up with fairy tales, of beautiful princesses being rescued from fiery dragons, and handsome, and amazing men astride horses whisking them away into the sunset. And somewhere we have laughed with them, cried with them, yearned with them, and grown up believing that one day our Prince Charming will come, if not on a white steed, then in a shiny new white car, and whisk us away into a sunset where there will be champagne, roses, and a sparkling wedding ring waiting for us.

Life however is the rude awakening that you need to fight a lot of dragons yourself, and Prince Charming, can turn into not so charming very very quickly. It could be that Prince Charming is a commitment-phobe, or along the way he turned into Shrek with balding hair, pot belly and an OCD. Or maybe Prince Charming never left mum’s apron strings, or horror of horrors, fell in love with many more Disney Princesses and forgot to tell you about it. In the latest ‘Sex and the City’, Sarah Jessica Parker tells Miranda’s daughter that fairy tales don’t always end at the wedding altar. And I believe her, because today’s fairy tales can’t end with Prince Charming taking you to the Disney castle. In today’s fairy tale even if Prince charming stays Charming, life will have lots of dishwasher and washing machine rinses, mortgages, in laws from hell and maybe you need to roll up your sleeves and go and fight some dragons while Prince Charming studies for an MBA, or goes on a year long sabbatical to find himself. I have often found myself telling single friends, “A man is not a meal plan, he probably needs you to do the Mother India routine (saath saath hal chalana) before he decides you really are the Princess he is looking for.”

But more on that topic later, if we could rewrite fairy tales our way, and what’s the point of it being a fairy tale if you can’t re-write it, then here is my pick of what I’d like to be reading:

Little Red Riding Hood:

Little Red Riding Hood met the Big Bad wolf, chemistry happened and she lost her innocence to him. They cleaned out Grandma’s house, packed a few muffins and became highway robbers in the deep dark forest. In the end, they started a bordello and a poker joint and lived happily ever after!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:

Snow White and the dwarves got bored of keeping house in the forest. They trumped the wicked witch, force fed her the poisoned apple, and then started an act with ummm Snow White and the Dwarves getting it on. Showbiz loved them and they made it to all the porn mags and Japanese Manga comics, tipping Dita Von Teese off her pedestal.

The Little Mermaid:

While the little mermaid did get a crush on the sailor aka charming; she did a rethink before she drank the magic potion to make her lose her voice and gain some legs etc. Instead she ditched the Prince, took over her dad’s whole empire of the sea, and kept a harem of mermen, and octopi for herself. What she did with the octopi is censored and this is a PG13 blog!!!!!!!!

Cinderella

This is actually a happy story because once Prince Charming’s trust fund ran out and the ugly sisters decamped with the rest of the cash, Cinderella’s business acumen got into gear. She and her husband started a business cleaning people’s chimneys and helping women find ‘just the right shoe to fit’, both of which for reasons of their expertise were a roaring success.

The Three Little Pigs

Ok finally the three little pigs decided to come out of the closet, and admit that they were totally not into sows etc. Which was actually the reason why their mother threw them out. Instead they formed their own musical band called, “Straw, wood and brick”, and Mr.Wolf became their manager. They made loads of money, and actually opted for a building in steel and glass, with sensors and screens to keep all the strangers out.

More on the fairy tales next time. Oh by the way, at the risk of sounding incredibly cruel and mean, I need to add this last modern fairy tale as a footnote to the post.

Brangelina

I know they aren’t a fairy tale and real people, but let’s pretend that in a hundred years from now they will be one. So, in the end, by the time Angelina had been pregnant for the fifth time, and had a set of triplets, Brad woke up to this multicultural brood in his house and found kids he didn’t remember names of. That day, he packed his bags, and ran away while Angie was taking a trip to tattoo the last shred of skin on her body, and then attend the UN conference. That night Jennifer Aniston kissed her latest beau, opened a bottle of wine, cuddled up with her cat, and savoured the sweet revenge.